


I cannot find the words to keep you

by dat_carovieh



Series: The letter [2]
Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types, Wiedźmin | The Witcher Series - Andrzej Sapkowski
Genre: Angst, Apologies, M/M, Misunderstanding, implied suicidal thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:20:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26142502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dat_carovieh/pseuds/dat_carovieh
Summary: After leaving Kaer Morhen, Geralt gets a letter from Jaskier, conviced, the bard wants to break up with him, he burns it, before he can read the whole thing.Alternative and angsty version toI'm famous darling. You don't have to read it to understand it. But if you want a more fluffy version with less stupid Geralt I can recommend.I hope I tagged all I should have. If you think there should anything more be tagged please let me know.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Series: The letter [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1904389
Comments: 20
Kudos: 136





	1. Geralt

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [I'm famous, darling](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25730887) by [dat_carovieh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dat_carovieh/pseuds/dat_carovieh). 



> Geralt had left Kaer Morhen early this spring and headed down the mountain, on his way to Luinek, the closest village to the keep. It was still nearly a day’s ride away and because of that, usually the first place to spend the night after the winter. The people were used to them and not as hostile as other small villages. Bert, the innkeep greeted him friendly.

“Geralt, welcome, a letter for you has arrived,” he said and turned around, presumably to get the letter. Shortly after he returned and put an envelope on the counter. Geralt thanked him and requested a room for the night. He paid for the room and a little extra for holding on to the letter. He recognized Jaskier’s handwriting on the envelope and wondered what he wrote. He knew the letter wouldn’t reach him over the winter and they already planned to meet in Novigrad first thing after the winter.

Immediately Geralt’s thoughts started to spiral. Did he maybe not want to see him again? Did he meet someone else over the winter? Geralt would absolutely understand this. The life of a Witcher just wasn’t for a bard in the long run. He could count himself lucky that Jaskier even gave him part of his life.

Geralt walked up the stairs to his room, the still closed envelope clutched in his shaking hand. It would be fine; he would get over it. Whatever the letter said, he would be able to handle it. When he finally sat on his bed, holding the envelope in both of his hands he nearly didn’t have the power to open it. His heartbeat was much faster than it was supposed to be and his hands got wet with sweat. He was thinking about just throwing it into the fire but that would not do any good, so he opened it with shaking fingers.

“Dear Geralt,

I’m sorry, I couldn’t tell you sooner, but I hope the letter will reach you immediately after you leave Kaer Morhen. We can’t meet in Novigrad, like we had planned.”

Geralt lowered the letter. So, he had been right. Jaskier didn’t want to meet him. With a long sigh he closed his eyes. He should have known, Witchers weren’t meant to fall in love or to be loved back. He should have never let Jaskier close. He didn’t want to read further. With a swift motion he crumbled up the letter and set it on fire with Igni. For a moment the flames licked high, but they died down quickly in his hand. He let the ashes fall to the floor and himself back on the bed.

He should be thankful for the time he had been allowed to spend with Jaskier and he was, he was so incredibly thankful he had been allowed to at least share the path with him for a little while. It was just that he had hoped to keep him longer around. But he would never try to force himself on Jaskier.

Geralt curled up on the bed, not even taking off the armor and waited for sleep to come. It took him a long time to actually fall asleep. He couldn’t remember when he had cried for the last time. Probably shortly after he left Kaer Morhen for the first time as a Witcher, completely alone, not knowing what the world would hold for him. And now he was completely alone once again. Witchers just weren’t made to be loved.

He slept badly and when he woke up early the next morning, he felt as if he hadn’t slept at all. Sleeping in his armor had been a terrible idea and he decided to take it off for now. He went down and was greeted by Bert.

“Damn, Geralt you look like shit,” he exclaimed. It was actually refreshing, having people be painfully honest with him and not be seemingly friendly just out of fear. “Sit down, I get you some food, you didn’t eat anything yesterday, you just vanished, you must be starving.”

Geralt nodded thankfully and walked over to a table, waiting for his food. He had planned to make his way to the east, to Novigrad, and when he thought about it, his stomach twisted painfully. He had been looking forward to seeing Jaskier again after the winter and it was hard to stomach that they wouldn’t see each other. Probably never again. He just hoped, Jaskier was happy, wherever he was now.

It was probably a good idea to move to the south, maybe to Toussaint or wherever the contracts would lead him. He didn’t feel like there was a destination anymore so he would just go on and see what would happen.

The food was good, at least one nice thing. After he finished, he got his things and went to the market to get supplies for the road and then he left. At least he had Roach with him, she would not leave him after all these years.

He already missed hearing the constantly chattering and singing bard next to him, after just a couple of days. At night no one was curled around him. No one was looking after his wounds after his fights.

He had just fought an archgriffin, which had left a deep slash on the back of his calf that needed stiches. In the past he would have lied down while Jaskier’s gentle hands would stitch it together and afterwards he would rub oil all over his back, giving him a massage and relaxing the muscles. Now Geralt tried to get in at least a few stitches, but he could not really see what he was doing. After he was done, he slumped down on his bedroll, exhausted. Again, his eyes were burning and the tears came. His chest felt too tight to properly breath, and he just started sobbing. Thankfully no one was around to see him in this state. He heard Roach coming close and felt her muzzle against his shoulder. He turned around and smiled at her.

“At least you are still with me. You won’t leave me, girl?” Geralt sat up and stroked her head. “I’m so fucking pathetic. We’re not supposed to fall in love. We’re supposed to kill monsters until we get killed by one. Maybe it’s time for me? But then what about you? Who would take care of you?”

Roach pushed him back with her head. He held on to her and pressed his head against her forehead. “Yeah you are right, I’m being stupid, I just need to forget him somehow.”

Of course, he didn’t forget him, even after months of traveling from one end of the continent to another. It was clear that he was lacking attention. His fights got more and more dangerous like this, since he couldn’t focus on his fights as much, he got hurt much more than usual. Angrily he ripped off his armor to look at his new injuries. He had gathered quite a lot of new scars since spring, much more than he would usually have gotten. The gash on his hip was deep and he was losing more blood then he should have been. He needed to mend it quickly or else he would probably pass out and bleed out.

Cursing, he started to stitch it up and pulled the skin back together. It costed him a lot of strength to not pass out while doing this. Only after cutting the thread he allowed himself to close his eyes and fall into the welcoming black.

When he woke again, he felt the dread he had gotten used to over the past months. The feeling of every day being the same shit as the one before. Killing monsters, getting coin and worst of all, being alone while doing so. He even looked forward to the winter, at least in Kaer Morhen he wouldn’t be alone.

  


Geralt had gotten a contract from King Vizimir of Redania, to look into some deaths around the capital Tretogor. Geralt had determined that it would probably be a higher vampire, hunting in the city. He supposed he would probably be around the nobles surrounding the King, so he went to the banquet the King had invited to one evening. He didn’t think they would attack during the banquet but it would be a good way to find out who it was. As long as there was no attack during the banquet he was planning to just observe.

Geralt kept in the background, enjoyed the good beer and tried to avoid talking to anyone. At least the food was good and until now, no one had tried to talk to him. He nearly spit out his beer, when the music started and he heard Jaskier’s voice. With slow steps he moved further into the corner, so Jaskier wouldn’t see him. Suddenly his heart was pounding, way faster than it should. Geralt’s hands started shaking. He had no idea how to react to Jaskier being there. He hadn’t planned to run into him, had hoped to never see him again. At least not unprepared. But here he was, playing and singing and… flirting. Geralt growled quietly. Of course, he was flirting, he had always been flirting, but it made Geralt furious. He clutched his hand around his tankard, he wanted to storm forward, grab him by the collar and yell at him. How could he do that to him? How dared he treat him like this? How dared he not even telling him to his face, that he didn’t want to see him again.

He clenched his teeth and stared at Jaskier. No, he shouldn’t make a scene here, where everyone would see. Where all those stupid nobles would probably laugh at him for entertaining the mere thought that someone like Jaskier could actually love him. And they would be right, He had been stupid to ever believe it was more than pity, what Jaskier felt for him. He felt like vomiting, as he thought, Jaskier had even taken him to bed probably out of pity. How disgusted must he have been, to touch his body, which was full of scars, the skin, that was much to pale to be human, to see his inhumanly yellow eyes. And Geralt had been so stupid to actually fall in love with him. He leaned back against the pillar he was hiding behind and closed his eyes. No, he would make sure, Jaskier would not see him. He peaked around the pillar again, watching Jaskier playing. It would probably be the last time he ever saw him, so he wanted to burn it into his brain, remember him, smiling and doing what he loved the most, playing music, performing, singing and flirting.

He didn’t manage to find the vampire this evening and he had to admit it was because he was too distracted by Jaskier. He spent all the time there, fighting down the ugly feelings boiling up inside his chest. He watched Jaskier flirting with a lot of people. The most attention he got was from a young blonde woman. Geralt had seen her play the lute and sing as well, so she was another bard. Of course, he had found someone. She was incredibly beautiful, she seemed like a good fit for Jaskier. What else would he expect. They were standing close together, talking and laughing. She had her hand placed on his arm, they were hugging and Geralt was sure, at one point she kissed Jaskier on the cheek. She was probably his new partner. No wonder he preferred he to Geralt. Later he saw them leaving together, holding hands. At least the bard seemed to be happy.

  


This year he started heading back to Kaer Morhen in mid fall already. The precedent years he had always pushed it back as far as possible, since he did want to spend as much time as possible with Jaskier before they would move to their respective winter quarters.

He managed to arrive before the first snow hit and Vesemir was already there, he spent the most time at the keep. Geralt was greeted by the elder Witcher at the gate.

“Geralt, you are early! Good to see you” Did you have a nice summer? How is Jaskier?” The question about Jaskier hit him right in the guts. He didn’t want to get emotional in front of Vesemir but he couldn’t stop himself. He felt all the strength leave his body and he stumbled forwards, into Vesemir’s arms, who caught him and seemed really confused.

“He dumped me, Vesemir. Jaskier dumped me,” Geralt said, embarrassed by the sob in his voice. Vesemir wrapped his arms around Geralt.

“Shit, come in! Bring Roach to the stable, I’ll make you some food and then we’ll talk. You are the first to arrive,” he said as he patted Geralt’s back. Geralt sniffled and let go of Vesemir, he looked to the ground, hoping he could hide his tears, but he knew, Vesemir saw them.

Vesemir had given him a bowl of fresh stew he had been cooking and sat him down in the kitchen, making him eat. Geralt was thankful for a warm meal after riding up the mountains in the cold.

He told Vesemir about the letter he got last spring and how Jaskier had told him he didn’t want to meet him and that he burned the letter in the end. Told him how he fought over the year with himself trying to come to grips with having lost Jaskier. He told him how he had seen Jaskier at the banquet and how he had wanted to yell at him. Vesemir nodded.

“I understand that feeling, and to be honest, he deserves it. He could have at least have talked to you in person. But it was a good thing that you didn’t confront him there, it would have been stuff for a lot of gossip.”

Geralt agreed, it would have been a mistake.


	2. Jaskier

Jaskier had been waiting for today, when hopefully he would finally see Geralt again. He had sent him a letter weeks ago, inviting him for today’s performance and he hadn’t gotten a response so he assumed Geralt would arrive today or in the next couple of days. But he really hoped it would be today. He missed him so much and now he was buzzing with energy from the thought of finally holding his beloved in his arms again.

During his performance he did not look for Geralt in the audience, he knew that if he were there, he would be in the back and Jaskier would probably not see him. So he concentrated on his playing and it was probably one of his most energetic performances.

He retreated to the small tent behind the stage for a bit to calm down a little. He always needed that before he could be a functioning human being again, after playing for so many people. There had been some food provided and he ate a strawberry pastry, enjoying the silence for a bit. The curtain to the tent was pushed aside and one of the hired security guards poked his head in as he was munching thoughtfully.

“Jaskier? They want to meet you, are you coming out again?” he asked. Jaskier swallowed the pastry, he had just taken a bite out of.

“Yes, I will be out in a minute,” he answered with a smile. He put down the pastry for later and turned to the mirror, stroking through his hair to make it look a little less dishevelled. Hopefully Geralt would also be waiting for him there. With a smile he stepped out.

He let his gaze wander over the people waiting outside but couldn’t see the white hair anywhere. His stomach sank for a moment, but then he quickly got his composure back. Geralt was probably just late, he might have miscalculated the time it took from Kaer Morhen to Oxenfurt, no reason to panic, the Witcher would surely arrive within the next two weeks. With a smile he went to meet his fans.

The days passed, but no Geralt turned up, and slowly Jaskier began to worry, something might have happened. But maybe he had just been held back. Everyday Jaskier went out, played his show in the evening but everyday it got a little harder when he realized that Geralt still wasn’t there. He started to hole up in the little house, he had bought during the day and only left in the evening for his performances, always hoping that Geralt would turn up. He was more and more worried that Geralt had gotten seriously hurt or even killed. The more he hid the more concerned his friends became with time. He didn’t turn up to parties he was invited to anymore and he used to hang out at the academy, attending lectures and discussions but he didn’t feel like it anymore. His performances started to lack. He still managed to get into his stage persona every evening, pretending everything was fine, but as soon as he left the stage he fell into a deep hole of sickening worry.

He now only left his home for his performances, he could do with the money, and to walk around, asking for Geralt, especially in the inns. This had grown to be his new routine, so much so that he just had to enter to be told, Geralt had not been there. It had already been a month and Geralt really should have definitely arrived by now. Something must have happened and Jaskier didn’t know what to do. He was tempted to leave and look for his love but what if he would turn up and Jaskier was gone? So, he stayed and waited.

Essi turned up at his house more and more often, concerned about him, and he would ramble at length to her about his fears. She couldn’t help him, couldn’t do much more than listen to him and hold him while he cried. It felt embarrassing to be seen in such a state, but he knew he could trust Essi, she would tell no one about it, nor would she make fun of him.

Valdo Marx of course was a whole other thing. He met him on the market one day and he made some nasty comments.

“I heard that your Witcher boyfriend has left you? It was just a matter of time until he would realize how annoying you are. You could never hold a relationship for long. He probably discovered that you cheated on him, like I know you to do,” he said with a wide grin. Jaskier was close to him quicker than Valdo could look and he certainly did not see Jaskier’s fist, before it collided with his face.

“Don’t you dare talk about shit you don’t understand, Valdo! Keep your shitty gossip to yourself,” he spat and left him cowering on the ground, holding his bleeding nose. Jaskier was pretty sure he broke it; he had heard a crack as his fist had hit. It actually felt good for a moment, until he fell back into his pit of misery.

After waiting two months, he decided he couldn’t take it anymore. It was possible that Geralt had never gotten his letter and had traveled to Novigrad like they had originally planned. If he had, he would probably no longer be there, but Jaskier could at least try to find out if Geralt had been there and maybe even track him down from there. Before he left Oxenfurt he let as many people as possible know where he was headed, in case anyone would see Geralt. Then he packed his most important things, saddled Pegasus and left for Novigrad.

He couldn’t wait to arrive, new hope in his heart that he might see Geralt there, or at least get a new lead about where he was. At the very least find out if he was still alive. The thought Geralt might not hit him with full force again. What if he had been killed during a hunt? No one there to take care of him, save him. More than once in the past he had made sure, Geralt would not bleed out, after a particularly nasty injury. What if he had died in some cave and no one would ever find his body? He couldn’t stop himself from sobbing again at this thought, and couldn’t do more than holding on to the saddle with all his strength so he wouldn’t fall down.

When he finally arrived in Novigrad, he got a room in the inn and asked the innkeep if he had seen Geralt. But the man didn’t know anything, so Jaskier started to walk around the city, visiting every inn and tavern he knew of, asking if anyone had seen his Witcher.

He even managed to track down their mutual friend Dudu, who now worked for the theater group, but the doppler said, he hadn’t seen Geralt in a year. Jaskier was offered to play with Dudu’s friends for some evenings and it was always good to have some money for the road so he agreed. He would stay in the city for a bit, in hopes that Geralt would turn up. Maybe he had arrived in Oxenfurt shortly after Jaskier had left so he wanted to give him the chance to catch up with him.

Usually he would have a lot of fun, working with the theater people and with Dudu. He mainly provided music but he would also play a character on some evenings and would be received pretty well. But he wasn’t into it, he could still only think about Geralt. More and more he wondered, if Valdo had been right, if Geralt had decided to leave him. Decided he was just too much, talked too much, was too annoying, like all his other partners had before. Would Geralt do that, would he just ghost him? The Witcher had never been good with talking about his feelings, but Jaskier would expect to at least get some kind of message from him.

He stayed for some weeks before he left Novigrad. He had no lead on where Geralt could be, but he couldn’t sit still anymore. Summer had arrived and he needed to travel. If that meant to travel alone, that would be what he would do, as sad as it was. He had traveled alone before, before he met Geralt he had mostly been alone and after he met him, they would not spend the whole time with each other, not until they had gotten together. He had been invited by King Vizimir of Redania to play at one of his banquets and he took that as a sign to leave Novigrad. It was no good to stick around longer. He made sure Dudu knew where he was headed, just in case Geralt would come to the city and maybe look for him.

To his surprise he met Essi at King Vizimir’s court. She had been hired along with him and some other bards to play in the background of the fancy party that was given that day. Jaskier actually felt pretty good. He had been able to tune out his worries for a little while. Wearing his performing mask helped him a lot, he could pretend for a while that Geralt just was not there that evening and they would see each other later. He even managed to flirt a little. People usually enjoyed him doing this. It made them feel special for a bit. And Essi being there helped a lot, after their performance she stayed with him the whole time, made sure he ate and drunk. She listened to him and he was even able to laugh with him. He told her about Valdo and she enjoyed the story a lot. She had known about the broken nose, but Valdo had not told anyone how he got it. They left the feast together, she was holding his hand, it helped him stay grounded and he was so thankful to have a great friend with her.


	3. Kaer Morhen

Jaskier still didn’t hear anything about Geralt wherever he traveled, he asked around everywhere he went but apparently no one had seen the Witcher, and there were no rumors either, nothing, absolutely nothing. There was one last straw he could grasp at. He knew the wolf Witchers spent every winter in Kaer Morhen, a keep far up north. He had been there one time and he was fairly certain he could find the way, but it was a dangerous trip to take upon on his own. No one would keep him warm at night in the mountains. But he had to risk it. It was the last chance he saw. Maybe the Witchers would know something, they had liked him when he had been there, and he was sure they would welcome him in for the winter, even without Geralt there. But he hoped deeply that Geralt was there.

As he rode the path in the mountains it got colder and colder, he had started his journey up to Kaer Morhen pretty late, to make sure, someone was already there to let him in. Luinek was only a day’s ride from Kaer Morhen but it didn’t work out like Jaskier had planned. It had started to snow and Pegasus couldn’t find a safe path anymore, so Jaskier had to walk and they only got on slowly. Luckily, he found a cave where he could seek shelter for the night. Pegasus seemed to sense his distress and lied down next to him by the small fire Jaskier had been able to start. That way he could curl up close to his horse and get some body heat from him. That was probably the only thing keeping him from freezing to death. The closer he got to the keep, the more unsettled he felt. He was shaking and not only because of the cold. He was terrified, he would arrive and Vesemir would tell him that Geralt had not returned, or that they had found his dead body. He had no idea how he would handle that.

He felt a little relief when he could finally see the keep in the distance and knew it would only be about half an hour now until he arrived, and much more that he hadn’t gotten lost on his way through the mountains.

He walked up to the gate and pulled the rope, which he knew was attached to a bell in the main hall, hoping someone would hear it. His whole body was shaking with a mix of fear and cold, and tears where streaming down his face. He just wanted to get into the warmth and to know what had happened to Geralt. He had to wait a couple of minutes until the gate opened and Vesemir was looking at him. Curious at first but as soon as he recognized the bard his eyes became dark.

“What the hell are you doing here?” he asked angrily, glaring. Jaskier was taken aback by the rude greeting. He sniffled; his tears felt like they had frozen on his face.

“I’m looking for Geralt. Do you know where he is? I haven’t seen him for the entire year. Did… did something happen to him?” Jaskier’s stomach twisted painfully. He was so scared; the answer would be yes. Until now he had been able to pretend, his beloved was fine, but getting a confirmation would make it real. There would be no more escaping the horror of the situation.

“And why would you be interested in that?”, Vesemir snarled, crossing his arms. “After you broke his heart so cruelly last spring.”

Jaskier now was confused. Apparently Geralt was not dead, which left him a little lighter. He just had no idea what Vesemir was talking about breaking Geralt’s heart. Something must have happened. Maybe a rumor must have reached Geralt before he could see Jaskier and he thought it was true. If the bard just knew what kind of rumor that was. He skimmed through all he knew about but none seemed like one that would do something like that.

“Is he here? Can I come in and talk to him please, I feel there has been a misunderstanding,” Jaskier begged and pulled his cloak closer around himself. He knew if he was not allowed in, he would not survive the journey back to Luinek. He already couldn’t feel his feet anymore.

“We are not going to let you freeze to death, so you can come in for now. But it’s Geralt’s decision if he wants to talk to you,” Vesemir decided and stepped inside. Jaskier had definitely not expected that and he was still wondering what the hell he had done. He followed Vesemir through the gate, shuffling uncomfortably on his numb feet. Pegasus followed him.

“You know where the stables are, bring him there and then come to the kitchen,” Vesemir stated before walking away. Jaskier gripped the reins tighter and walked in the opposite direction. In the stables he saw Roach happily munching on some hay. She looked up and let out a joyful neigh at the sight of him and Pegasus seemed to be equally delighted to see her. After he had stabled Pegasus, he walked over to Roach to properly greet her.

“Hello girl, it’s so good to see you. At least you are happy to see me.” She cheerfully accepted some pets from him. Then he shuffled inside, heading to the kitchen. On his way he passed Eskel and Lambert but before he had time to even think about greeting them both Witchers, they shot him weird looks.

“What the fuck is he doing here?” Lambert growled, as if Jaskier could not hear him. The bard startled. Once again, he had not expected that. It hurt a lot to hear that and he didn’t understand where this came from. Eskel didn’t say anything he just looked at him extremely disappointed and for some reason that hurt even more. He had always gotten along great with both of them and especially Eskel looking at him like that hurt a lot. He looked back to the ground, trying to hide his tears as he walked on to the kitchen.

“Sit down,” Vesemir instructed. “You can stay here for now, we are not kicking you out into a blizzard, but Geralt decides whether you can stay and if not, one of the boys will bring you back to Luinek as soon as the weather allows it.” Jaskier nodded, almost shy. He hoped whatever misunderstanding had happened could quickly be resolved. He hastily ate the steaming stew the older Witcher had set in front of him and was thankful Vesemir was silent while he ate. The stew helped him warming up again. The blood was coming back to his numb fingers in a painful stream, and he managed to wiggle them a bit around his spoon.

“So why are you here? Did your new girlfriend leave you? And now you want Geralt back? Because that is not gonna happen. You hurt him enough already,” Vesemir growled. Jaskier sputtered in shock.

“What girlfriend?” he asked, dumbfounded.

“The one you left Geralt for, the young blonde. Geralt saw you with her at King Vizimir’s banquet.” For a moment Jaskier could only stare in shock, while his brain tried to catch up. He remembered the banquet, Essi had been there, but he was fairly sure he hadn’t seen Geralt there. And what was this nonsense about him leaving Geralt? 

“I… what? I did not leave Geralt? Where is that coming from?” He clutched his empty bowl desperately, just to have something in his hands.

“He came here, crying, telling me you sent him a letter, that you didn’t want to see him again.” Jaskier was thinking, he was trying to remember what his letter had said exactly. It had been a while so he wasn’t really sure anymore. However, he was fairly sure that Geralt could not have misunderstood the letter that bad.

“I sent him a letter, telling, that we couldn’t meet in Novigrad, as we had planned because I was stuck in Oxenfurt. I asked him if he could come meet me there, because I had a well paid job there. But he never came and I assumed he had never gotten it. So I waited and waited, but after two months I went to Novigrad, but no one had seen him there. I was so scared, he might be dead," he stated with a quivering voice, "I traveled around for months, asking everywhere, no one knew anything. Coming here was my last resort. I nearly didn’t make it, but I needed to know what had happened, I needed to know if he was still alive.”

Jaskier was exhausted. The walk in the freezing cold, The constant anguish of these last months about the fate of his lover, the less than warm welcome he had received when he had finally made it to the keep, all this was taking a heavy toll on him. He couldn't keep his tears from flowing freely over his cheeks.

Vesemir frowned at him.

“He is up in his room; he arrived two weeks ago and has barely left since. I will go tell him, you are here and find out if he needs to be smacked,” Vesemir declared before getting up. He left the kitchen and Jaskier could hear him talking to Eskel and Lambert outside. The door opened again and the two Witchers entered.

“Hey,” Eskel said quietly. “Vesemir told us, what you told him and actually it sounds totally like Geralt, to completely misunderstand a letter and drown in his self-loathing,” Eskel explained uneasy. “Sorry for earlier,” he apologized with a half-smile Jaskier nodded. He didn’t know what to say and the flow of emotions was still overwhelming.

Just a couple minutes later the door flew open and an angry Vesemir stomped in, dragging Geralt into the kitchen by his ear.

“You are now telling the bard what you just told me! _Unbelievable_ ,” he yelled and pushed Geralt to the table. “And you two,” he pointed to Eskel and Lambert, “OUT!”

Jaskier was fidgeting with his hands as Geralt sat down uncomfortably. The door closed and they were alone.

“Geralt... what happened? Why didn’t you come to me? Or at least wrote to me?” Jaskier asked, sad and relieved altogether. The man he loved was alive, but what could have had happened that had led to this catastrophe of a year?

Geralt clenched his teeth. “When I got your letter, I panicked. I so was sure you would write to me, telling me, you didn’t want to see me again… When I read, that we couldn’t meet in Novigrad… I felt like I was right, I didn’t feel like I could continue reading… So I burned it.”

Jaskier felt all the anguish leave him, as anger suddenly took over. “YOU DID WHAT NOW?” he yelled and jumped up from the bench he was sitting on. “YOU GOT A LETTER FROM ME AND JUST DECIDED IT WOULD SAY I WANTED TO LEAVE YOU AND AFTER ONE LINE YOU FUCKING BURNED IT?” Heavy tears where running down his cheeks. Geralt didn’t even look at him. His eyes were fixed on a spot just ahead of his feet, while he kept fidgeting with his hands.

“I’m so sorry, Jaskier,” he said very quietly.

“YOU BETTER BE, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WORRIED I WAS THROUGH THIS WHOLE YEAR? I THOUGHT YOU HAD GHOSTED ME! AND WHEN I COULDN’T FIND ANYONE WHO HAD SEEN YOU, I THOUGHT YOU HAVE _DIED_! YOU BIG, IDIOTIC, PILLOCK OF A MAN!!!” He suddenly felt completely drained and fell down to the bench again. He could see tears streaming down Geralt’s cheeks as well. He took a few breaths to calm himself down.

“Geralt, I love you,” he stated calmly. His tone was conveying as much assurance as he could gather of the fact. “I love you so fucking much! I was so worried, months of looking for you, thinking you had died. I could never leave you. And I would most certainly never leave anyone just over a letter.” He got up and walked around the table, collapsing down onto Geralt’s lap. He dug his fingers into Geralt’s shirt. “I… I thought I would never see you again. Don’t do this to me ever again, Geralt. Please! My poor heart couldn't take it a second time. Don’t just assume shit, talk to me my love, please,” he sobbed into Geralt’s shoulder, overwhelmed by emotion. Geralt had wrapped his arms around Jaskier, fingernails digging into his back, clutching onto him for dear life.

“I’ve seen you at the banquet with that girl,” Geralt said, his voice trembling slightly.

“Essi? She is a like a sister to me, we went to the academy together, she had helped me, listened to me, when I was in despair, when I believed I lost you.” Geralt’s finger moved into Jaskier’s hair.

“You really do love me?” he asked.

“Geralt, oh gods, yes I love you. Oh no, I know you, you stupid Witcher. You talked yourself into something stupid believing I could not possibly love you? You hate yourself so much you believed I would too?” Geralt nodded, shameful.

“I thought you… you pitied me, the monster that no one could love,” he whispered. Jaskier took Geralt’s face between his hands, staring at him with pure adoration.

“Geralt look at me. This is not true. None of this is true, you are not a monster, stop telling yourself you are. I do not pity you; I love you. I love you so fucking much. I came up here, in the middle of a blizzard, I feared I wouldn’t even make it, if I hadn’t had Pegasus to keep me warm, I would have not made it. But I came here, because I was so scared, something had happened to you, I was ready to face every blizzard just to know what had become of you. You are the best thing that ever happened to me, Geralt.” Jaskier’s whole face was wet with tears and snot from crying and he couldn’t stop. Geralt was sobbing as well, tears running down over Jaskier’s hands. They both looked like absolute messes. Geralt pulled him in a tight embrace, pressed his face against Jaskier’s shoulder, taking in the beloved scent with deep breaths.

“I love you too, Jaskier. I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to hurt you. I was so stupid. I just never believed I would deserve someone like you.” Jaskier closed his eyes, he was so incredibly exhausted.

“Geralt, I’m worn out. Everything was so exhausting. I just want to sleep now,” he whispered. After they had talked, he felt like he couldn’t do anything more. He just needed a break. Geralt got up, pulling Jaskier up with him. He wrapped his legs around Geralt’s hips and let him carry him through the keep. He was already half asleep when Geralt lowered him onto the bed and pulled him into his arms again. Whatever more they might need to talk about, it could wait.

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from Joey Batey's band The Amazing Devil from the Song New York Torch song. 
> 
> You can follow me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/LupisLiontooth) and [Tumblr](https://dat-carovieh.tumblr.com/) for Witcher Shenanigans and Fic updates.


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